Why am I still single?
If you've ever asked yourself, "Why am I still single?" you're not alone. Whether you're currently single or have been for a while, it's natural to wonder what factors may be contributing to your solo status.
Maybe you've been actively searching for a partner but haven't had any luck, or perhaps you're content being on your own but still curious about why you haven't found someone yet. Whatever your situation may be, let's explore some of the common reasons why people remain single, and then I'll provide insights and advice to help you create a lasting, loving relationship in your life. So, let's dive in and uncover some of the reasons behind the question that's been on your mind.
1. SOCIETY’S CHANGING ATTITUDES
40% of adult Americans are single today. 40%!! There's been a big cultural shift in our attitudes about marriage and relationships. In recent decades, many people are choosing to focus on their careers, personal growth, and other aspects of their lives before settling down. To that point, the age at which people get married has also been increasing, with many individuals waiting to tie the knot until other areas of their life are in order. Perhaps dating and finding a partner have been lower on your priority list than other endeavors. And when you finally feel "ready," it doesn't happen as fast as you'd like. Divorce rates are still relatively high, so even if you did settle down before, you might be single again after leaving an unhealthy marriage.
2. TECHNOLOGY’S INFLUENCE
The rise of dating apps and sites has made it easier for people to meet and connect with potential partners. However, this technology has also led to more transient attitudes and hook-up culture, where people are less likely to commit to long-term relationships.
3. MASCULINE-FEMININE POLARY IS IMPORTANT
Another less obvious reason you might be single, even if you yearn to have a loving partner, is that you aren't familiar with the concept of masculine-feminine polarity, which refers to the natural energy and dynamic between masculine and feminine energies in a romantic relationship. When this polarity is present and balanced, it can create a strong attraction and deep connection between two people. Not knowing the importance of this polarity can lead to confusion and disconnection, and unknowingly push good people away.
4. SELF LOVE’S INTEGRAL ROLE
Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for all other relationships in your life. So if you suffer from low self-esteem, a poor self-image, or frequently judge and criticize yourself, then you're likely to attract partners who will treat you the same. This will lead to unhealthy relationships that will eventually dissolve (or blow up), leaving you single once again. Or, conversely, you could be projecting this and judging, criticizing your potential partners and falling into a pattern of being so picky that no one could possibly measure up to your expectations.
5. GROWING YOUR SKILLS
You (and/or your potential partners) may lack the skills required to create and maintain a healthy, loving relationship: good communication, stress management, and boundary-setting skills are all needed on a regular basis in a solid relationship. Most of what we know about relationships is learned from the media and our families. And let's face it, all families have varying degrees of dysfunction. Plus, TV, movies, and the media are also terrible teachers because they're focused on entertainment, (namely comedy and tragedy) not skill-building. And we wonder why our love lives are filled with laughable and tragic stories!
6. PINPOINTING THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
And if after reading this, you're still wondering why you're still single, you probably have some "blind spots" which are areas you can’t see or understand clearly, but do exist and are holding you back. It's difficult to see your own blind spots because you don’t know what you don’t know! You may have deep-rooted fears, limiting beliefs, and conditioned patterns getting in the way of what you consciously crave.
So you might be thinking, "Sure, that explains why I’m still single, but what can I do about it?"
Before we continue, it's important to ensure you understand that being single is not inherently good or bad. As much as I love LOVE, I believe it's better to be single than in a toxic relationship. Many people who are single by choice are enjoying their independence and working on becoming their best selves!
If you want a partner to love, share your life with and feel physically intimate with, here is some advice.
1. ACCEPT YOURSELF FULLY
Accept your past, your appearance, your financial situation... all of it! Beating yourself up will only make the problem worse. Learning to love yourself, take care of your own well-being, manage your stress, and speak positive and encouraging words to yourself will make you more resilient to the ups and downs of dating. And on a deeper level, it will allow you to open up to and connect with others who treat you lovingly and respectfully. Practicing self-compassion is a great start to knowing, accepting, and loving yourself.
2. BUILD RESILIENCE
Looking for love online is like looking for a needle in a haystack. If you're going to use apps, STOP getting distracted by all the hay! This one sends a nasty picture, that one disappears, and this one won't leave you alone. It's natural to recoil at these offenses, and even give up. But if you step back and look at the bigger picture, you'll see that those people must be ignored while you focus on finding that one special person who treats you well, communicates well, and is ready to commit. See #1 for building resilience. If you really can't stand sifting through the whole "haystack" consider hiring a Matchmaker, which are NOT just for the millionaires these days!
3. LEARN ABOUT MASCULINE-FEMININE POLARITY
Learn about masculine and feminine energies and polarity, and put this knowledge into practice. In any relationship made up of any genders, there is one more masculine energy partner and one more feminine energy partner. So, if you're looking for a healthy masculine partner who can be your rock, but you show up trying to control the relationship and take the lead, you'll both be competing for the same position. To create harmony and that spark of chemistry, you'll want to emphasize your opposing energies. If you want a more feminine, receiving partner, you better show up ready to initiate, make plans, and push things forward. There is so much more to this than can be included here. As a Love and Dating Coach, I work with a lot of clients on mastering this tricky balance.
4. IDENTIFY WHERE TO IMPROVE
Strengthen your relationship skills, and address your blind spots. Remember that you don't know what you don't know, so assume that you have opportunities to improve your communication, stress management, and boundaries. Sure, you might have your ex to blame for the unhealthy dynamic but must realize that you were 50% of that relationship. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.
5. PARTNER WITH A PROFESSIONAL
If you really want a healthy relationship and are struggling on your own, I highly recommend working with a Therapist, Dating Coach, Matchmaker, or trusted advisor. They can provide an outside perspective, help you assess your dating and relationship skills, identify the fears, limiting beliefs, or habitual patterns (blind spots) that are getting in your way, give you practical advice, and help you acquire healthy dating and relationship skills.
If you're single, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You're not broken. You're human. Of course you're not perfect! None of us are. Relationships are challenging, and sometimes we need some help, encouragement and guidance. With working collaboratively with a Dating Coach or Matchmaker will absolutely help you gain insight and finally have the relationship you want.
I invite you to apply for a Love Life Strategy Call with me.